Manic Monday, Indeed

4:15…the alarm is about to go off, but I am awake and start the day in silence.

5 minutes becomes 10 becomes the whole pot of coffee. I have read, commented and started three different pieces of writing, all deleted and banished to the semipermanent realm of the digital garbage.

Switch gears. More coffee. Grades are due. I owe it to them to attach a number to the work that defies quantification.

Movement. Blessed movement. Out of my head and into my body. Muscles, balance, sweat…find the edge.

Rushing. Running late. How is that even possible??

Coffee shop… closed. (Yet again I wonder how a coffee shop can be closed on Monday mornings. What evil lurks in that decision?)

I beat the bus. Off site dialogue groups with students. Talking about difficult subjects. Facilitating and not teaching. They will go where they will go and I will follow, observe and wonder how come they don’t see what I see.

Lunch with co-facilitators. Simple until it isn’t. I am speaking. My voice is shaking. My eyes lose focus. I feel the heat fill my face. I am not clear. The words, my words, are failing me. How come they don’t see what I see?

Found time. An hour. It’s worth the extra 15 minutes to drive to get fresh coffee. I start with the news and then find Springsteen. Loud enough to almost drown out my thoughts. Almost.

Back at school. Checking off my “to-do” list. I am not giving the best of me. Every encounter is overshadowed by the things unsaid. Thank god all the interactions are with adults. They don’t see.

Union meeting. I try to find the balance between staying on track and allowing people to be heard. I am in charge but the locus of control seems elusive. I reveal too much and question how much is really too much. It was too much.

Heading home, finally, even after the meeting spilled into the parking lot. Cold mist comes in through my open window but it is not as bad as it is for the one standing in the rain. I breathe deep and continue to listen until they are done.

Home. “How was your day?” Dishes to be done. Dinner to be made. Children are predictable and settled in their own way. Husband is having his own day and I am failing to figure it out completely. There will be time. There is always time…. until there is not. (Remember that.)

Planning and grading and watching a movie with Kevin Hart and the Rock. Or is it The Rock? To be clear: I am watching the movie with two of the three kids and not with Kevin Hart and the (The?) Rock. They are in the movie. I sink in and laugh and forget.

Tired. Exhausted. 4:15 will come soon But….I forgot to write. Can I still push words together? What part of the story is worth telling? What part of the story is worth remembering?

4 thoughts on “Manic Monday, Indeed

  1. Whew.
    What. A. Day.

    You captured the joys and the struggles of the last 24 hours so well.
    Your opening lines, where you describe “reading, commenting, and starting three different pieces of writing, all deleted and banished to the semipermanent realm of the digital garbage”, made me smile. Slicing adds a welcomed, yet despised, layer of pressure to our insanely busy lives. Thanks for giving us subtle glimpses into your thought life and your real life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to admit, I picked this post because I was looking for a companion to share my Monday misery. Geez, what a day. I feel every detail in your piece–especially the one about having to slice and feeling like you are scraping the bottom of your barrel. Your burden lightened my load. Thanks for sharing–I appreciate it more knowing it came at a heavy price.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Whoa. Manic Monday, indeed! (Oh, and now that earworm is in my head! 🙂 ) I applaud you: my every day would be manic if I started at 4:15! I liked being able to follow you through your day. I could feel the pressure of it. I hope that eases for you, at least some of the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is an excellent description of a busy day – especially one in the midst of our month of slicing…I like your questions at the end, as you wrestle with what to share, what to write about, what is worth telling? You have told it well! These non-stop, can’t think straight days. Loved this interlude you found – “then find Springsteen. Loud enough to almost drown out my thoughts” – fun!

    Liked by 1 person

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